Thursday, July 30, 2009

[ x ]

hmmm...sometimes i wonder...do anyone actually know me very well?..
leave out all the favourite food and stuff..
like deep down..do anyone really know me?.

i asked a friend once if he had that problem, he told me his was a different case, he didnt like anyone invading his private space..
but for mine..i dont know seriously..
its like i cant trust anyone? but i want to trust someone..
or at least i hope that there is someone out there that can make me tell him/her everything..
why i was sad the other day?
what make me so happy in a different way compared to my normal crazy laughings and stuff?

i was happy to always be happy once..then i realise everyone is selfish..its all about myself.

there was a time when i decided it was time for the fool to stop asking like one.
and when i did, i was quiet just for a day, some friends thought i was emoing, others thought i was angry with someone or something
then they finally came up to ask what was wrong..and i said nothing..i just thought why must i always smile and laugh?..cant i just be like a silent or quiet person for once and stop acting like a fool?

they went silent and someone said this : " but then its weird la..like the person who always smile stop smiling..dont emo la~"

they dont get it..
no one get it..
once i stop smiling, everyone assumed im emoing..
but i am not..
i assure you.

everyone thought it was normal for me, angela to happy and laughing all the time.
and when i dont they find it weird.


i get sick sometimes..when people treat me like a fool, like some clown or joker that is always around to brighten up their crappy day.
i dont mind seriously..but it hurts when i see that after i made the sad ones happy, they just smile and walk away to other friends and leaving me all alone behind.
and then they come back when they need me..

come and go..
come and go..
come and go..

then i stop believing that anyone really needs me at all.
then i knew the little silly smiling girl have to grow up.
life isnt always all fun and games.
smiles and laughter.
sunny and cloudless skies.

so life force the little happy girl to grow up.
when i see my sister having fun and laughing around with her friends, doing retarded stuffs.
i was kinda jealous..she gets to be crazy and have fun but she have her real friends with her..
where's mine..
so then before i realise i started to act sensibly around everyone.
like when my sister around to be crazy, i have to be the sensible one.
when my mum needs some chores to be done, i have to be sensible enough to help her out.
when someone needs me, i have to try and help them in any sensible way i can. [like no running to some guy and punching the lights out for bullying my friend]

so that..perhaps..at least i think..there's some one who would like the sensible me and stay with me.
so that..maybe..im not alone in the shadows anymore..
so that..finally..someone would hold my hand and lead me to the light and say "you are not alone anymore.."


sometimes i think..

maybe i think too much..



黑夜

.its.so.colourful.and.beautiful.at.11:36 PM